My husband and I once spent a very hot winter together.
Not quite like that. Then again, it was exactly like that. I wrote a bit about it here.
It was a hot winter because we were living in the tropics. It was a hot winter because we were fighting like cats and dogs about why we were living there. It was a hot winter because even though I would spit on the ground when he entered a room, we managed to surrender to each other’s bodies when we found ourselves alone at night together. It is the reason we are still in love today.
Surrender — it’s what turns sex into an act of healing.
The Sexual Revolution Will Not Be Televised
Allow me to disrupt 50ish years of modern sexual awakening with this statement: We are not giving sex the reverence it deserves.
This doesn’t mean that people who enjoy casual sex are wrong. It’s to say that when we are entwined with another we access a secret power that we may not realize is at play — the ability to see and be seen in a degree of intimacy that exists nowhere else in life.
Sex is not just about feeling good — it’s a place to let go of our defenses and practice giving up control. Which is why it feels so good.
The Wholeness in the Whole Mess
Surrender is not possible in every erotic encounter. Not everyone can hold us that tenderly, nor should we let just anyone see our soft underbellies. This explains why good sex is a rare and precious diamond. Yet even the best ones require polishing.
This polishing begins with you as an individual. Your partner has something to do with how easily you can release into surrender, but they cannot and should not carry that load for you.
As an individual, your first step toward surrender is welcoming the truth that we bring our whole selves to the bedroom. The parts of us that feel broken (I assure you they’re not), the unfinished pieces, and the ugly bits all slip in beside our sensual, sexy selves. There’s no way to make love to a fraction.
We must slow down enough to ask ourselves what we want and then grow our willingness to ask for it. Only then do we bring the gift of our bodies to our partners. The ones who are able to hold this sweetness will welcome you. Those who are not ready for the radiance of your innermost self will turn away.
Some Biology
When we talk about the dance between defense and surrender, we are talking about the nervous system.
Our nervous system is a sacred warrior designed to protect us. It has two main tracks — safety (pleasure and surrender, where the sexual/erotic experience is possible) and danger (where its only goal is survival of the organism).
Our bodies are meant to go in and out of defense mode in occasional short bursts, but most people are in battle on a daily basis, otherwise known as chronic stress. We can’t hold this state very long without consequences, one of which is that our bodies forget how to release into pleasure.
In other words, when our bodies are revved up in defense mode, asking them to drop the shields so we can drop our pants is impossible.
The Solution is the Problem
The answer to this problem is a paradox: In order to create the state of surrender that will allow more pleasure in our lives, we must create more pleasure that will expand our ability to comfortably hold a state of surrender. We begin by following where pleasure already exists in our lives — out or in the bedroom — and allowing ourselves to gradually become more familiar with its sensations.
For instance, if you identify that you get a lot of pleasure from taking an afternoon walk, do a little self-research to find out what makes it pleasurable. Do you like being alone or with company? Do you prefer to walk in the same direction every day or change it up? Be curious about what draws you closer and what is ho-hum.
This state of curiosity is how my husband and I got out of that hot winter. The air was thick between us, so we walked very, very slowly through it. But because our communication had all but broken down, our main tool was physical connection. We followed the pleasure, releasing any expectation that it should flow any certain way. As we explored our nos and yeses, we found that, indeed, we are capable of holding each other safely in that boundary. That is how our hearts learned to trust again.
Back to the Self
You don’t need a partner to learn to surrender in sex. In fact, your most powerful work will be with yourself, even while you are entangled with the safest of lovers.
It begins, as always, with courageously asking yourself what you want. To do this is to bring your gaze inward, which is a natural surrendered state. Even if you don’t act on the desires you find there yet, acknowledging that a want exists is enough to make a wave that will spill out onto many other parts of your life.
This wave is impossible to contain so I encourage you to find the pleasure in being inundated. Remember, we bring our whole selves to the bedroom, but we also bring what we gain from sex into all parts of our lives.
Journaling prompts
These prompts are good for journaling or as a guide to exploring your body.
- What kinds of touch create a sense of relaxation and openness in your body? What kinds send your body on high alert?
- Write about the most powerful erotic/sexual experience you’ve ever had. Where did you surrender and what made that possible?
- Where in your life — outside of the bedroom — does pleasure exist? Follow the pleasure and write about these pleasure points. As you write, tune into the way your body responds when you remember these moments. Write down these sensations in your journal.
