We are at war with love.
War…with love. At a glance, this seems like a contradiction. The concept of battle does not match the dreamy gaze of the poets.
But.
The horror stories are adding up. The level of deceit, lies, and heartbreak that exists in the dating world gives an entirely new meaning to the question, “What’s your body count?”
What’s left to do but put up a tall fence between us and the ones who try to get our numbers?
Are You Guarded about Love?
The notion of a person being “guarded” around love and dating is often thrown around as an insult. And while I am the first to say we all need to learn to stay open to love, I will also say, not always and not to everyone.
Love makes us vulnerable. It’s when we are most vulnerable that we are at the greatest risk of being hurt. Yes, we are resilient. Yes, we can heal and emerge even stronger, but just because we can recover from pain doesn’t mean we should fling ourselves into the arms of anyone who comes our way.
In the games of the heart, it’s wise to know where you keep your guns, and how to use them.
Love is Self-Protection
Nature offers us great wisdom around the value of protection. A deer has antlers to push against threats. A cat has claws to fend off attackers. Skunks shoot foul liquid to predators who threaten them.
It’s my take that our inner lovers also need some form of armor. As far as when we should use it – not always, and not with everyone.
To neglect our inner armor prevents necessary protection from the countless suitors who haven’t cleaned the skeletons from their closets. But to use it too much makes us unable to do what comes so naturally to us – giving and receiving love. It’s a lonely world when you’re covered in steel.
The wise use of armor doesn’t keep every risk away in a safe zone (in fact, no such thing exists), but allows us to deploy self-preservation when necessary. It’s the block button, which can always be reversed. It’s the hard look in the mirror that can turn into an affirmation of self-worth. It’s the time of celibacy after a brutal breakup that can lead to the healing of a long-held wound.
The trick is developing the discernment to know when our armor should go up, and when it should come down.
The Loss of Innocence Invites Wisdom
I’ve learned this myself in the only way we seem to learn – the hard way. I spent decades trusting that the people who wooed me had my best interests at heart. One particular relationship changed my view on this forever. I trusted he was honest, had ethics, and was emotionally intelligent simply because he said he was.
But after months of manipulation and deceit whose poison arrows took months to pull out of my mind, I finally admitted to myself that his actions defined him more than his words.
My recovery process was defined by an awakening of my inner guardian (that and a little witchcraft that called the energy I’d put in him back to me). I will never be the same, a statement that is dripping with something I often tell my clients: when we lose our innocence, we awaken our wisdom.
Love Big, Despite
I want you to love big. I want you to remember that you are worthy of receiving love back. I want you to have epic romances that you write books about (check out my book here).
But if you want to love big, you had better be willing to love yourself the most first. And while you’re at it, make that love a circle of salt that wards off the demons. Give someone the benefit of the doubt, until your doubts outweigh the benefits. Bury the hatchet, but mark the grave so you can find your way back if needed. You get the idea.
I desire, more than anything else, to rekindle our collective trust in love by teaching its magic and mechanics. I want to inspire people to take risks for romance while accepting that each of us comes with a storage locker full of baggage these days. May we stay permeable to its power, while remembering that love is not defined by an endless stream of unconditional adoration.
In many ways, love carries weapons, and it knows when to use them.
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